A Patchwork Fantasy Tale about a cohabitation calamity.

Surely all that stuff about vampires and werewolves not getting along is just nonsense, right?

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Transcript

[Gentle theme music]

Laura: Hi, you can call me Laura. This is Patchwork Fairy Tales. If you want to read as well as listen, check out the transcript linked in the description.

Slight content warning for vampire and werewolf eating habits.

[Music fades]

[Sound of a page being turned.]

And they were flatmates

Chapter 1

Tomek generally made a point of not reading too much into his customer’s mannerisms, but werewolves’ tells were always rather hard to ignore. Well, it seemed that way anyway, perhaps it was just the obvious ones, of course.

Either way, the person currently wandering vaguely through the store, trying not to sniff too obviously at the shelves, was clearly a werewolf. It was just as clear that they didn’t know what they were here for, or at least not where to find it, and were stalling for time before coming to ask him. He had far too much experience working here to go up to them to offer assistance though. It made too many people uncomfortable or jumpy, and that was a dangerous game in this business.

So Tomek stayed behind his counter and looked as welcoming and unoccupied as he could.

After a while, they wandered closer. “Hi, um–”

“Evening,” he smiled and they nodded back at him.

“So,” the customer said, leaning on the counter with slightly clawed hands. “Do you have anything for vampires?”

“I’m going to need you to specify,” he replied, after a rather awkward silence he had hoped they would fill. “When you say ‘for’, you mean…?” Usually what people meant was “against”, and he really preferred not to sell stuff like that.

“I mean…” The werewolf grimaced. “Something…nice?”

Okay, not much clearer, but at least less worrying. “Something nice,” he repeated. “So it’s a gift, then?”

“No!” they protested hastily. “Well, it’s… We live together and– I mean we share an apartment.”

Tomek kept his face carefully neutral. As neutral, he hoped, as his customer’s face was embarrassedly expressive. “Right. So you want to buy something nice for the house that they will like?”

“Yes!” Relief flooded the stubbly features. “Yeah that sounds good.”

It took him a lot of restraint not to ask any further questions. The world was so unfair sometimes. “Alright,” he carried on. “What sort of vampire are they?”

The customer’s yellow eyes darted up and down uncertainly. “Uh, he’s…old–er? Likes dramatic music, hates rice…”

“No, I mean–” He cleared his throat to hide a smile. “Is he undead?”

“Oh! Yeah, sure.”

He nodded. “Then I know just the thing. I don’t sell it here, cause it’s not exactly occult, but he’ll love it, trust me.”

The werewolf slanted their head curiously. “What is it?”

“A hot water bottle. Preferably more than one. Just leave them lying around somewhere where he’ll find them.”

They frowned, and they had rather a lot to frown with. “I’ve never heard of that, what do you mean?”

“They’re rubber bottles, or bags with stoppers more like, that you fill with hot water to keep you warm. In my experience, vampires don’t mind cold, being cold themselves, but they love warmth.”

“Really?” They sound almost suspicious.

“I mean, the ones I know do.” He was pretty sure Elsie had four hot water bottles and an electric blanket by now. “But of course I don’t know your friend, so– ”

“Roommate,” the werewolf mumbled hoarsely.

“Right,” Tomek corrected hastily. “Roommate.”

For a moment the werewolf stood at the counter in doubtful contemplation, but then their face brightened and the tension sagged from their shoulders. “Okay! Yeah, thank you, I will do that. Sounds like something they’d have at the drug store, yeah?”

“Mhm,” he nodded. “I know the one across the fortune telling centre sells them.”

“Great!” They flashed him a toothy grin and bounded back towards the exit. “Thanks!”

“Always happy to help. Hope he likes it.”

“Yeah!” They spun round, walking backwards a few paces. “Uh, great store by the way, sorry I didn’t buy anything. I’ll tell Yule about you though, she loves all this!”

Tomek nodded, not bothering to answer as the shop bells chimed happily at the closing door. He hoped, for Yule’s sake, whoever she was, that she was not the third roommate in this equation. He also hoped, quite fervently, that if she did decide to stop by, she’d be willing to gossip about her friends to a total stranger.

[Sound of a page being turned.]

Chapter 2

The shop was quiet when the door chimes rang  – well, as quiet as any occult shop generally got –  but Tomek was too engrossed in his book to look up immediately. Besides, it fit the aesthetic, didn’t it, a witch too preoccupied with the ancient tome they were reading to greet you as you entered. Never mind that it was just a paperback.

While customers were rather easy to ignore, however, the sudden feeling of his familiar’s magic immediately brought him to attention. “Hey!” he thought as loudly as he could. “No reading customers! Or I won’t bring you again.”

“But it’s her.” Even though the little scurrying noises in his hood were real, the voice was luckily only tangible inside his own head.

“I don’t care who she is, it’s bad manners—”

“It’s Yule!”

Tomek froze behind the counter, his eyes darting to where the customer was wandering behind the racks of amulets. Oh.

“Dammit, Myszka.” He grimaced. “How am I supposed to explain to her that I know who she is?”

A pair of little dormouse paws tapped remorselessly at his cheek. “Then don’t tell her.”

“You knew I would want to ask her about herroommates.”

“Yah, I’m being helpful.”

“You’re a nightmare is what you are.”

“Excuse me?”

Tomek looked up straight into the uncertain, cautious face of the woman he knew – but was not supposed to know – to be Yule, roommate to a werewolf and a vampire he did not know but was desperate to hear more about.

“Sorry! Did I say that out loud?”

—

Yule really hoped her smile wasn’t too alarmed. “Um, yes, but if you weren’t talking to me that’s completely fine, sorry for intruding.” That felt like a weird way to phrase it in the current situation, but she only knew a few people who heard voices that others couldn’t – either for occult or neurodivergent reason – and she still fumbled a lot with exactly what to say.

“Well, I wasn’t, but that doesn’t mean—” The shopkeeper grimaced apologetically. “I was talking to my familiar.”

“Oh.” She couldn’t quite suppress the little burst of excitement at that. Evan had said that he was a real witch, but an actual familiar.

“He told me your name, actually.” Another grimace. “I’m really sorry about that, Yule, he knows he’s not supposed to read people.”

“Well,” she laughed nervously. “I think Ev already told you about me anyway, didn’t they?”

“Ev…” The shopkeeper grinned. “That’s your werewolf roommate’s name?”

“Yes!” She was relieved he remembered, otherwise she would have just made this even more awkward. “Well, flatmate,” she corrected with a snort. “If we had to share a room I’d have gone crazy by now.”

“Right,” he laughed. “So, um, did— Oh, by the way, do you want to see him? My familiar?”

What a perfectly stupid question to ask. “I would love to. If he wants to come out, of course,” she added hastily.”

“Oh don’t worry,” the shopkeeper said with a smirk. “He’s not shy.” He hesitated for a moment, fixing her with an appraising look. “Do you dislike rodents?”

She smiled. “No, I’m cool with rodents.”

“Oh good.”

He reached over his shoulder and when he retracted his hand there was a little, furry creature sitting on his palm. It looked like a mouse with a fluffy tail and something almost like a raccoon’s mask in the fur around its eyes. Its long ears swivelled curiously towards her and Yule let out an involuntary sound of pure endearment.

“His name is Myszka,” the shopkeeper said helpfully. “He’s a dormouse. Oh, and I’m Tomek.”

“Hi,” Yule laughed. “Nice to meet you. Both of you.”

Tomek put Myszka on the counter, where he sat up on his hind legs and blinked welcomingly at her. Yule just about managed not to make any more squealing noises and wondered if it would be very disrespectful to ask if she could pet him.

“I was going to ask…” Tomek began and she hastily looked up at him again.

“Yeah?”

“Did your other room-, uh, flatmate, like the hot water bottles?”

—

Luckily she didn’t seem to think that was an odd question for him to ask. On the contrary, she laughed, brown eyes lighting up merrily. “Oh, he so does.”

Tomek grinned. “Good. I hope it helped.”

Yule’s eyebrows creased in a slight, curious frown. “What do you mean?”

Shit. “Oh, just… It seemed like, maybe, there was…a reason? Why they wanted to buy something nice for him? Or ‘for the house’, that he would like…”

Yule shifted her weight from one hip to the other and gave him what Tomas was pretty sure was a rather appraising look. “You didn’t read Ev as well, did you?”

He put up his hands. “Absolutely not, swear on my life. And Myszka wasn’t with me that day.”

Amusement flickered across her face. “So Ev is just that obvious, hm?”

It took a moment before Tomek was confident he could speak without betraying too much delight. “I have a weakness for people’s drama.” Honesty was the best policy, right?

Yule heaved a sigh of truly magnificent proportions. “Well, there’s no shortage of that in our house.”

“I can only imagine.” Now if there would possibly be a way to persuade her to indulge him…

“You better not,” she shook her head. “You’ll lose your taste for it immediately.”

“I’m sorry, but I have to disagree,” he said. Any person making heart eyes at Myszka, was deserving of his blatant honestly. “It comes with having no romance drama myself. I don’t need it in my life, but I want it in other people’s lives. Especially if it turns out like the good kind of drama.” And, since she seemed more amused than disapproving at that, he decided to go all out. He planted his hands on the counter, leaned just the least bit towards her and pleaded: “Yule, I don’t know you and I don’t know your friends, but please tell me it’s turning into the good kind of drama.”

For several, very long moments Yule looked at him with amused, appraising lights dancing in her dark eyes and then, at last, she decidedly shook her head. “Nuh-uh, no, no.” And she poked her finger in his direction with a curve to her mouth that was so infectious Tomek found himself grinning already. “You don’t get to skip straight to the good part. If the universe made me suffer through the past few months, just so it could bring me here to brighten your day, you are going to sit through every horrific detail.”

[Sound of a page being turned.]

Chapter 3

Closing the shop, of course, was not permitted. But sitting in the back room, keeping half an ear out for the shop bell, and getting to know what he sincerely hoped would become a regular customer, Tomek felt was fully within his job description.

“Thank you,” Yule said excitedly as he handed her her mug. “I love sparking tea, but the only witch café that serves it is all the way across town.”

“I’m not surprised, most exoteric folk don’t like the taste.”

“Hey, just cause I can’t use magic doesn’t mean I can’t like the taste of it.” Yule buried her nose in her mug and inhaled deeply, only to cough and blow out some smoke.

“Rooky mistake,” Tomek chuckled, taking a sip of his own tea.

“Speak for yourself—” Yule wiped her watering eyes and took a big gulp, humming blissfully.

On his shoulder Myszka made a small, slightly impatient noise and Tomek silently held up a piece of biscuit for him to take. Yule immediately scrunched up her face in complete endearment. Tomek knew for a fact he’d be dealing with his familiar’s bloated ego for weeks. He could hear Myszka adjust his position on his shoulder for maximum cuteness.

“Mm, gossip is always better clutching a mug, isn’t it?” Yule sighed, tearing her eyes away from the smug dormouse. “Okay, so—” She leaned forward and narrowed her eyes at him in a way that almost made Tomek feel the inclination to sit up straight in his chair. “Do you swear never to breathe a word of what passes my lips in this sacred, really messy backroom of your shop that has some very concerning plants growing in that dark corner over there?”

He grinned, going so far as to ceremoniously hold up his hand. “Witches’ honour.”

“Good,” she nodded, leaning back in her chair again. “Then let me tell you about the tragic and absolutely torturous circumstances of my flatmate situation.”

[Sound of a page being turned.]

It had seemed like such a good idea at the time. And such an obvious solution! This place was basically her dream apartment, but it required two flatmates to make it affordable. Chris wanted to get out of his noisy basement room, Ev was making their first big move away from their pack and they were both worried about finding anyone that would want to live with them. It was perfect! Because surely all that stuff about vampires and werewolves being at each other’s throats was just prejudiced nonsense and of course two of the people that liked her most would also like each other.

At least, that was what two-months-ago Yule had thought. Present-day Yule had very different thoughts on the matter. Not so much about the prejudice stuff, not even about the liking each other stuff, but very much about this being a good idea.

“Oh my god, Yule, he’s going to hate me forever,” Ev groaned on Wednesday, lying face first on Yule’s bed.

“No he won’t.”

“He will.” Ev let out a suffering growl. “He was so upset over his socks being gone!”

“Just his left socks,” Yule hummed, as if that should be any consolation. “Which you didn’t know was a thing for vampires, and he did leave them lying around in the bathroom. You were trying to be nice, doing laundry for us all. I appreciated it.”

Ev was capable of sounding very much like a sad puppy. “He already didn’t like me,” they mumble unhappily into the pillow.

“That’s not true, Ev.”

“Is too. Whenever it’s anywhere near full moon he just avoids me.”

“Not on purpose I’m sure. He likes you fine, Ev, I promise. He’s just…not used to living with people.”

“People like me, you mean.”

“People that aren’t dead, I mean,” Yule said deliberately. She sat down on the edge of her bed and stroked through her friend’s wild hair. That, at least, could always be depended upon to make them feel better.

There were no such shortcuts with Chris. Which was a pity, because Yule really thought she needed some.

[Sound of a page being turned.]

“It’s absolutely mortifying. What must they think of me,” Chris lamented on Monday.

“I can tell you what they think. They think that you didn’t realise werewolves could hear high frequencies in music.”

“I woke them up. In the middle of the night.”

“Ev is up in the middle of the night all the time, Chris.”

“It is the principle of the thing!”

Yule sighed. “Will you at least sit down instead of hovering on the doorstep? I’ve asked you inside several times.”

“I’m not hovering.”

“You are, just not literally. Please sit down.”

Chris took a single, uncomfortable step into the room. “…there is no other seat than your bed.”

Oh bless him. Yule moved from her desk chair to her bed. “There.”

“Thank you.” It was incredible how prim and proper he managed to sit on a swivelling chair. Surely that was something he must have absorbed from other vampires. Chris wasn’t that old.

Yule gave him an encouraging smile. “Ev won’t hold it against you, I’m certain.”

He let out a miserable sigh. “I had hoped to improve their opinion of me, not worsen it.”

No, not this again. “Whatever are you talking about?”

“Surely you’ve noticed they disappear whenever I’ve fed. They can’t even stand to look at me.”

“Chris, Ev eats unspeakable things every month. I promise you they’re not squeamish about blood.”

Judging from Chris’ expression that was not at all comforting and probably meant, in his mind, that Ev was only squeamish about him. But that was a conversation Yule was absolutely not ready to have.

“So,” she said, rising from her bed with determined energy. “How have you been getting on with that podcast idea where you sarcastically review biographies of people you knew?”

She really needed to work on her list of distracting topics, or she’d never make it through the week.

[Sound of a page being turned.]

Yule knew what was going on. Or, she knew part of what was going on. The part that she was going to have to address. That part being that she was living with a werewolf who – for a couple bewildering days – had tried to pack bond with an extremely solitary vampire who was still trying to maintain respectful distance. This had resulted in both of them being so unbearably awkward around each other that by now Yule was pretty sure they were both trying to avoid running into one another in their own damn flat.

If she allowed this to go on for another few weeks, Ev and Chris would work each other up to such heights of baseless anxiety that it would make the situation absolutely unliveable. Something had to be done.

She had better start with Ev.

[Sound of a page being turned.]

“Listen,” Yule said, jostling Ev companionably in front of the sink while she peeled onions and they rinsed the uncooked rice. “You can’t be tiptoeing around your own house all the time. We can just sit down and talk about this stuff. You’ve never lived with anyone but werewolves, he’s never lived with anyone but vampires, but I’ve never lived with either, so between us we should be able to make this work.”

Ev growled softly at the back of their throat. Not an aggressive growl, Yule knew, but a nervous one. “What if I mess up and make it worse?”

“You’re not gonna make it worse,” Yule assured Ev, handing them the bowl she had just kneaded the mincemeat in for them to lick clean. “Remember how I trapped him in our apartment by putting that potted rose at the balcony door? He doesn’t hold that against me either.”

“Yeah but you’re friends… You’ve known each other for forever…”

Yule clicked her tongue, putting the water on the boil for the rice. “As far as Chris’ existence is concerned, he might as well have known me for half an hour.”

“He’s not that old,” Ev snorted into the bowl.

“And yet he refuses to cancel his subscription to that TV guide.”

That at least got a genuine laugh out of Ev’s snout.

“Here’s the thing,” Yule said, leaning against Ev from behind. “I love this apartment. And gods help me, I love the both of you. So we’re gonna learn to be chill and cohabitate. Why don’t we all write down some house rules? So there’s no more accidental roses or socks or anything. Sound good?”

“I mean, yeah, if Chris is okay with that.”

“You leave him to me.”

[Sound of a page being turned.]

The living room was barely big enough for the couch and the armchair, but Chris really liked his chair so they had managed to cram them both in. He was sitting in it now, watching something on the TV that he had previously carefully circled in his viewing guide with yellow marker.

“Good show?” Yule asked, stepping over his legs to get to the couch.

“Mhm,” he hummed, silently reaching out to move his coat off the couch.

Yule made a soft noise of appreciation, stretching out on the couch with her book and bowl of snacks. Ev preferred it when she ate pre-shelled nuts. Something about the cracking sounds didn’t sit right with them. So Yule compromised and only ate the uncracked ones when Ev wasn’t home. They called them her enrichment snacks. But they weren’t around now, so Yule could crack to her heart’s content. She sat and read in silence, the voices on the TV a pleasant buzz in the background, and occasionally holding a particularly stubborn nut out towards Chris. Even the most uncrackable almond came apart in his hands, no matter how delicate they looked.

“This is nice,” Chris said after some twenty minutes had passed.

“Mm.” Yule smiled at her book. Only when she heard the unmistakable sound of closing credits coming from the TV, she put her book down. “I was thinking we could hang out more with the three of us.”

Chris’ expression as he looked at her was very neutral, but there was a single line of tension around his mouth that Yule didn’t overlook.

“So you and Ev can get to know each other better,” she said.

“Ah.” He looked a way for a moment. “I suppose that would be helpful.”

“I think it will,” Yule agreed encouragingly. She paused, and added: “Would it help maybe to make something of a list with house rules? With all the werewolf, vampire and human stuff we should know about each other?”

The relief flooding Chris’ face was much more visible than the tension had been. “Oh yes, I would appreciate that a lot. I mean, if Ev wouldn’t mind.”

Yule smiled.

[Sound of a page being turned.]

Chapter 4

“So did it help?” Tomek asked. “The house rules?”

“Kind of.” Yule gave a nuancing wiggle of her head. “They weren’t rules as much as tips. Just pointers on humans, vampires and werewolves, you know? It made them less afraid of doing something wrong.”

“That makes sense,” he smiled. “Knowing what definitely not to do is helpful.”

“It is,” Yule agreed. “And it made them less tense.” She gave Tomek a level stare. “Most of the time.”

His grin struggled to break out of his tight-lipped smile. “Please tell me about the other times.”

“Oh you know,” Yule said airily, leaning back in her chair with deliberate pretended nonchalance. “Like any time Chris came home smelling like blood and Ev had to run away. Or any time the moon got full enough for Ev to start ditching their clothes and Chris had to run away.”

Tomek looked at her in deep, delighted dismay, and refilled her cup of tea.

“Thank you, your sympathy is much appreciated,” she joked and she took a long sip. “It was fairly easy to convince Chris that Ev didn’t find him repulsive after feeding, but perhaps just had some wolf-reactions to the smell of blood. But making Ev believe that Chris wasn’t avoiding them near the full moon because they looked more wolfish was pretty damn impossible. So I tried something else. Something that surely wouldn’t backfire on me.” She took another sip of tea.

“Has anyone ever told you you’re a tease,” Tomek said, offering both her and Myszka a biscuit.

“Never in that tone of voice,” Yule snorted, putting her tea back down.

“So what did you do?” he grinned.

Yule gave him a dark, suffering stare. “I told Chris it’d be nice if he showed Ev he wasn’t uncomfortable with their werewolf habits.”

“That sounds like a really good thing, actually.”

“You’d think so, wouldn’t you,” Yule grumbled. “You sure would think so…”

[Sound of a page being turned.]

“Morning,” Yule called out as she stumbled out of her room. There was no danger of waking Chris – he quite literally slept like the dead – and she heard Ev walk around quite clearly. Until they had fully shifted Ev was a rather noisy presence.

There was no answer though and when Yule reached the kitchen, Ev was standing in front of the open fridge, staring into it like they were glued to their spot.

“Everything alright?” Yule muttered, repressing a yawn.

They didn’t answer, but they did move, turning slowly towards her with a smallish Tupperware box in their hands. Yule could see one of her own kitchen post-its stuck to the top.

“What’s that?”

Silently, the fridge still open, Ev took the post-it off the box and held it out to her. The note was shaking between their hairy fingers.

Yule, starting to get a little concerned, took it from them and glanced at the curly handwriting.

Good morning, Ev. I went out hunting for once last night so I brought this back in case you want it. I’ve drunk it dry so it will be clean eating. –Chris.

Okay then. That was kind of a gross way to be friendly, but it was a very Chris thing to do. Weirdly thoughtful and slightly unnerving. “Well that’s n—” Yule looked up straight into Ev’s yellow, almost panicked eyes.

“He gave me food.”

“Yeah and I don’t want to know what’s in that box,” she interrupted firmly, but clearly that wasn’t what was on Ev’s mind.

“He barely wants to talk to me, but now he wants- wants to share his food?”

Oh. Oh no. A steady stream of images flashed concerningly in Yule’s mind. Wolfish care packages full of treats sent by Ev’s parents. Favourite snacks with faint bite marks in the packaging left on her own doorstep during full moons before they moved in together. Starry eyes shining at her from behind shaggy hair whenever she told Ev how good their cooking was—

“The part of the food he was going to have to throw away,” she said hastily. “It’s economy! Recycling!”

Clearly, absolutely none of that was reaching Ev in the slightest. They were still holding the box like it was either a cursed amulet or a love letter, their face flooded with a confusion as intense as the blush on their cheeks.

“Ev,” Yule tried again. “Ev, Evan, look at me.”

Ev’s eyes darted up to her face. Full-naming a werewolf always felt a little unfair, but these were desperate times. “Ev I told Chris he ought to—”

“You told him to share is food with me??” Ev balked, teeth bared in mortification.

“No! I told him he should do something nice for you.” Yule gulped down a steadying breath. No good deed goes unpunished. “I guess he decided giving you this was a good wolfish thing to do.”

“Oh…” The blush still hasn’t gone, but at least Ev doesn’t looks like they might rip out of half their clothes and bolt out the window. They looked down at the box again. “I…I guess it is. That’s very kind of him…”

“Yes,” Yule said through slightly gritted teeth. “Very kind.” She reached past Ev and gingerly closed the fridge door, forcing her friend to step away from it.

“Do- do you think I ought to do something nice back?”

It served her right, didn’t it? Served her right for trying to meddle. But what else was she supposed to do?? “I think you ought to eat that for breakfast, when I have left the room—” she said emphatically. “—and not worry about it.” She made her best attempt at a relaxed smile. “It doesn’t have to be a big deal, it’s just a nice thing, right?”

Ev chewed their lip thoughtfully. “Yes,” they said, slowly sitting down at the tiny kitchen table. “Just a nice thing.”

Yule hid her face in the nearest cupboard, wincing at the coffee mugs. There was no way Ev was going to let this go without trying to do something back. No way in hell.

[Sound of a page being turned.]

“And that is when they came to you to buy hot water bottles!” Myszka cried triumphantly.

“Oh gods, is it?” Tomek asked, still too lost in horror and sympathy to realise all Yule could have heard coming out of his familiar’s snout was a particularly expressive squeak.

“Is what— did he just talk?”

Both Tomek and Myszka stared at her. “You could hear him talk?” he gaped.

“No! I heard him squeak,” Yule said bemusedly. “But you clearly answered him.”

Myszka let out a relieved little huff and Tomek grimaced sheepishly. “Uh, yeah, sorry. I forget I’m the only one that can understand him. He said that that must have been when your friend came here looking for a vampire-friendly present.”

“Indeed they did,” Yule said severely. “A couple days later anyway.”

“Did they ever talk to Chris about the food?”

Yule pulled a face at him. “Talk to him about it? What nonsense. How dare you suggest such a thing.” She shook her head wearily. “I did, for what it’s worth. Which is not much. Waste not want not, he said. So I told him sharing food is a big deal in werewolf communities, but all he wanted to know was whether they had liked it.”

“Which they did,” Tomek said, barely repressing his laughter.

“Which they did,” Yule growled. “So that was the end of getting anything sensible out of him for the next half hour.”

He bit the inside of his cheek. “I’m so sorry.”

“No you’re not.”

“No I’m not, what did Ev do with the hot water bottles?”

Yule let out a desperate, affectionate laugh. “Left them on the couch with the extra blankets without saying a word.”

“Did Chris even know they bought them?”

“After he asked me if I did he did.”

“But not that it was for him?”

“Well,” Yule grimaced. “Ev’s average body temperature is about a gazillion degrees at all times, so he knows they didn’t get them for themself. But I suppose you could say they both have plausible deniability.”

“Denialability,” Myszka whispered.

Tomek choked just a little.

“What did he just say?”

“Nothing.”

Yule narrowed her eyes at Myszka, who blinked up at her with darling, beady eyes. “You’re lucky you’re the cutest thing I’ve ever seen,” she warned him, and gave him the last crumb of her biscuit.

Tomek couldn’t help himself from smiling. Magic users tended not to interact with other people’s familiars out of respect, no one had ever pet or fed Myszka like he did. It was kind of nice honestly.

“So that is my life at the moment,” Yule concluded dramatically. “With a werewolf making weak little sighing noises at gross things being left periodically in my fridge and a vampire hugging a hot water bottle under a fuzzy blanket as he watches inaccurate historical drama’s.”

 “Your shared fridge, surely,” Tomek grinned.

“It came with the apartment so it – just like the apartment itself – is mine until the two of them start dealing with the landlord themselves,” Yule informed him.

“That sounds no more than reasonable,” he relented.

“I am a model of reason.”

He laughed. “You are a model of indulging me.”

Yule grinned. “Well, thanks for the free therapy session.” She put her empty cup down. “And the tea. Seriously.”

“I’ll give you some,” he said, getting to his feet. “You can make some yourself at home.”

“On one condition,” Yule said, rising with him. “I get your phone number so I can call you when I’ve turned my teapot into a toad or something.”

“Why is the first thing people think of always toads?” Myszka said bemusedly from his place on his shoulder, but Tomek pretended not to hear them.

“You’ve got yourself a deal.”

[Sound of a page being turned.]

Chapter 5

The movie nights, Yule decided, were genuinely nice. Yes, it was absolutely ridiculous that she was forced to sit in between Ev and Chris every time. Especially since Chris was now constantly a pile of blankets and hot water bottles, basking in the rediscovery of warmth, which he wouldn’t have to do if he had sat next to Ev, who was an absolute furnace. 

But of course he couldn’t possibly do that, because there were only three days left until full moon, which meant Ev was already so hairy, and thus uncomfortable when fully clothed, that they had stripped down to their shorts and sports bra as soon as they got home. It was a wonder Chris hadn’t fully left the room yet just to prevent himself from accidentally looking at their midriff. One day, Yule thought, she was going to snap and forbid him to spend so much time with vampires from the 1940s.

But right now his eyes were glued to the action on the TV screen and Ev was lounging comfortably, both of them at least temporarily relaxed on either side of her. And that was really very nice. 

“You know what,” Yule said, handing Ev the bowl of crisps and bumping companionably against Chris’s drawn up knee. “I think movie nights should be on the list of house rules. Movie nights every Friday, to improve human-vampire-werewolf relations.”

“I’m game,” Ev grinned, teeth glinting and Chris made a pleased sound from inside his cocoon.

Wonderful. Surely they’d start actually hanging out and talking to each other eventually . Yule sat up, reaching for her soda. “ Speaking of house rules,” she remembered. “ Stop stealing my foundation, Chris. I can get you your own. Mine’s too dark for you anyway. You ought to have one closer to your current skin tone.”

“I can’t even see my skin without make-up!” Chris protested.

“I know that,” Yule said kindly. She knew that was why he wore it, to be able to see himself in the mirror every once in a while. “But I can. I‘ll help you choose something you like. Maybe two shades lighter, I think.”

“More olive though.”

“Hm?” Yule turned to look at Ev, and so, amazingly, did Chris.

“Not just lighter,” they said intently, gesturing at his face. “There’s a more olive tint to…Chris’…complexion…” Ev’s voice inexplicably trailed off to mumbling silence rather suddenly and their gaze dropped to the floor.

Yule looked thoughtfully at Chris, too distracted to notice the calamity unfolding on her couch. “Yeah I think you’re right! An olive tone would look very good.” 

She tried to give Chris another encouraging smile, but he was still looking at Ev, with the wide, startled eyes of someone who has has felt himself to be seen and very possibly admired. And Ev’s cheeks had gone worryingly pink under their stubble, with the marked embarrassment of someone who had been caught looking.

The horror of it all hit Yule just a bit too late. “Oh dear,” she said loudly. “I’ve completely missed where this scene was going. Chris, where were we?”

“What?” Chris stammered distractedly. He looked as close to flustered as a cold, bloodless vampire could possibly get. 

She could just tell them. She could just turn off the TV, and tell them, and leave them alone in here. Possibly lock all doors and windows and tell them she’d be back when they had sorted their shit out. Tomek would probably let her crash on his couch, especially if she repaid him with more gossip. 

Yule took a deep breath. “Where were we in the movie? Two minutes back?”

“Uh, sure.” 

“You’ve got the remote, hun.”

“Oh, yes.” Chris hastily grabbed for the remote, one pale arm reaching out of the tangle of blankets.

On the other side of the couch Ev had pretty much curled up into a ball, their limbs folded at odd, inhuman angles to make up for the lack of a tail to hide their face behind. Yule could feel the flustered heat of mortification radiate off them as clearly as if she was sitting next to a damn campfire. 

The movie resumed and Yule sat, looking at the screen without seeing it, flanked by two friends doing exactly the same. They were both frozen in place, acting as if they would bloody combust as soon as they would look at each other, and neither of them was doing anything about it . And neither was she, because Yule was genuinely afraid which words would come out of her mouth if she dared to open it right now.

She made it five whole minutes before she took out her phone and began frantically texting Tomek. 

He was not at all sympathetic, and she spitefully resolved to bring a chocolate covered coffee bean for his familiar the next time she came over.

[Sound of a page being turned.]

Chapter 6

The situation in the apartment had worsened dramatically. Apparently being aware of the possibility that someone else might like you, was much worse than secretly liking them and thinking you didn’t stand a chance.

Previously it had been just Ev who got red-faced and growly and full of excuses to leave the room, on account of the gifted food incident. But ever since the last movie night Chris seemed absolutely unable to meet Ev’s eyes without ending up with the wide eyes and agitated facial features that Yule had come to think of as ‘undead blushing’. It was absolutely terrible.

Tomek thought it was hilarious.

“Laugh it up,” Yule grumbled into her phone. “They’re both very keen to befriend you, and then it will be your problem too.”

“If you were really invested in resolving the situation,” he responded amusedly. “You could just lock them in together for 48 hours and see what happens.”

“If I was a less principled person, I might,” she huffed, adding in a muttered grumble: “It did cross my mind.” 

“Well anyway, you’re very welcome to come over, if you can’t stand the pining any longer,” Tomek said cheerfully. “Myszka misses you.”

“Thanks,” she said, smiling her put-upon expression away. “But it’s near moonrise and I’d prefer not to leave Ev at the moment.”

“Oh, of course.” The teasing tone left his voice immediately. “Is it a particularly bad this month?”

“It’s a blue moon,” Yule explained. “So second time this month. For some reason those transformation are always harder.”

“Really? Does Ev have trouble shifting?”

“No, they always shift, but I think it hurts a lot more,” she said. The final stage of Ev’s transformations were already rather volatile, but blue moons seemed to take an extra toll. Once they had settled into their wolf form it was all fine, but getting there seemed pretty horrible some times.

“Not to be the stereotypical witch friend, but have they ever tried wolfsbane and aniseed tea?” Tomek suddenly asked. “We sell it at the store. I have a couple werewolf clients who swear by it.”

Yule held still and frowned at the wall opposite her. “I’ve never heard them mention it. I’ll ask! Hold on.”

She hurried out of the room and knocked on Ev’s door.

“Mm?” a half growled response came from inside and Yule opened the door.

Ev was hanging half upside down off their bed, with their shoulders just touching the floor. Clearly their muscles and joints were not cooperating with them at the moment. All their body hair was standing on end and their eyes were a vibrant yellow. They looked utterly miserable to still be stuck in their human shape.

“Oh Ev,” Yule grimaced. “Is there anything I can do?”

“This never lasts long,” Ev smiled weakly with long, notably sharper teeth. “I’m fine.”

A complicated definition of ‘fine’, but Yule knew it was not helpful to argue. “I was just talking to Tomek,” she said, waving the phone in her hand. “He said something about wolfsbane aniseed tea? Would that help you?”

Ev pulled a face, their nose wrinkling in a very snoutlike manner. “That’s something they give to cubs,” they protested. “That’s baby’s first moon stuff!”

Yule raised her eyebrows demandingly. “Does it work?”

“I haven’t used it since primary school.”

“But did it work?”

Ev shut their mouth and pulled themself upright. “I guess so,” they muttered. “A bit.”

Yule threw up her hands, nearly flinging her phone across the room. “Then why don’t you use it anymore?”

This time the grimace on Ev’s face was different, more tense. “I should be able to do without…”

“Evan.” Yule slipped the phone in her back pocket and quickly crossed the room towards her friend. “We don’t have to suffer things just because. If that tea helps you and you want me to get some for you, I’ll get some for you right now.”

Ev’s yellow eyes were round and embarrassed.

“You get me chocolate and paracetamol when I’m on my period, how’s this different?” Yule insisted.

A faint, toothy smile flickered across their face. “Okay,” they relented. “Yes. Please.”

Yule smiled in relief and considerately hidden triumph. “You’ve got it, I’ll be right back okay? Are you gonna be alright on your own?”

“Yes, Yule,” Ev chimed, with a more expressive smile this time. “I’ll be fine.”

She hurried out of the room, grabbing her phone again. “Did you get any of that?”

“I was trying not to eavesdrop,” Tomek replied.

“You’re incredibly noble and not at all nosy,” Yule snorted. “I would really like some of that tea.”

“I don’t have any at home, but I could meet you at the store?”

Yule’s face fell. “Oh, really? It’s very late.”

“No later for me than for you,” he said. “I’ll meet you there.”

The store was only a little further away than Tomek’s house, but somehow it still took a lot longer to get there and back again with the tea. It didn’t help that Tomek had brought Myszka along, who was the main delaying factor, on account of Yule having to pet him and apologise for not coming to visit for a while. She ran the last bit of the street, worried that the moonrise would beat her to it, but she made it in time.

Only just in time though. Even from outside the front door she could hear Ev’s snarling, growling cries. Yule hastily unlocked the door and hurried in, but before she’d taken another step she froze to the spot. 

The door to Chris’ bedroom was ajar and Chris himself was standing doubtfully in the hallway, right outside Ev’s room.

Yule watched, in breathless amazement, how he winced at another of Ev’s cries, and knocked, calling: “Ev? It’s- It’s Chris. Are you okay?”

“Fine!” the groaned answer came.

“I know this is probably normal for you, but, Yule’s usually here and-” Chris swayed back and forth a little, his hand hovering over the doorknob. “Can I come in?” 

“Sure,” Ev said hoarsely and Yule was too surprised to even move a muscle.

She watched Chris cautiously go inside. He left the door open, but she couldn’t see inside without moving and she didn’t dare. The familiar sounds of Ev clawing rhythmically at the floor still reached her, but so did Chris’ voice, low and concerned.

“How long does this take? Is it always this bad?”

“Just a bad month. It’ll be over soon.” The tone of Ev’s voice was light, but the uncontrollable growling did not sound very reassuring.

There was a short, tense silence.

“Nice- of you- to check on me,” Ev panted and they let out such a pained cry that Yule almost rushed forward – perhaps the tea would still be helpful for this last bit – but Chris suddenly burst forth: 

“Is there nothing I can do to help?”

“Y- no. People have to stay away from me during shifting.”

“I’m not human though,” he urged. “I’m not as breakable, is there anything I can do?”

Yule held her breath.

It was a while before Ev could answer, but eventually the clawing and growling paused again. “Sometimes it helps if someone presses down between my shoulder blades,” they said tiredly. “Stops my spine from going the wrong way.”

“I can do that.”

“I’ll probably kick you.” Ev sounded almost fearful, but Yule was sure she heard Chris laugh.

“You’ll probably try.”

“You don’t have to if—” Ev began uncertainly, but they were abruptly cut off by their own growling and there was a sound of limbs thrashing against the floor and then a sudden silence.

It had always hurt Yule that they couldn’t safely go anywhere near Ev while their body was fighting through their transformation, but Chris, they knew from experience after nearly falling out of the window on the day they moved in here, was truly inhumanly strong.

Ev’s growling got louder, but the thrashing did not return. Something like words came through the snarls and Yule could just make out Chris’ reply:

“You’re not! Really. I- I care about you.”

The growling didn’t stop, but parts of it sounded almost like laughter, and suddenly, with a long, relieved yelp, the sounds began to change from the raw screaming of a human throat, to the triumphant howl of a comfortable beast.

Yule silently backed away out of the door and closed it again. There she stood in the hallway, trembling with excitement. She waited until everything had gone quiet in the flat and then she waited some more. Nothing. Not a word. Not a whisper. Finally, still clutching the now temporarily useless jar of tea, she went back inside.

Everything was dark and quiet. There was no one there.

Yule almost ran from the living room into the kitchen. It couldn’t be. It was too good to be— On the kitchen counter lay the little block of post-it notes. On the topmost one was written, in Chris’ loopy cursive:

“Gone hunting together, don’t wait up. xx C.”

She should have screamed, or laughed, or cursed, or thanked the stars. Anything appropriately dramatic, but Yule just stood and stared, smiling so hard her cheeks hurt. She picked up the pen from the counter and scribbled a note back. Then she marched right back out the door and down the stairs, bursting into the moonlit night beaming like the sun itself.

The jar of tea she left on the counter, next to the second post-it note which read:

“Gone to Tomek to gloat. xxx Yule”

[Sound of a page being turned.]

Epilogue

The ominous main theme of this week’s movie droned through the flat while Yule filled the bowl with a fresh batch of popcorn. Tonight’s choice was a shapeshifter slasher that Ev had assured everyone would be absolutely hilarious.

She returned to the living room, where Tomek was sprawled out on the couch and Chris and Ev somehow managed to occupy a single arm chair. They were not in need of snacks. Ev was still idly chewing on a bone from their dinner and Chris had a milkshake cup filled with Ev’s latest affectionate attempt at surprising him: goat’s blood.

“Move over, couch hogger,” Yule scolded affectionately and Tomek pulled up his legs just enough for her to sit down. Myszka jumped out of his shirt pocket and ran down his leg to jump in Yule’s shoulder and demand popcorn and Tomek fondly declared him a traitor.

“No moral fibre,” he added. “No loyalty! And all for a few kernels of popcorn.” And he held out his hand for his own share.

“If we don’t start now Yule will fall asleep halfway through again,” Ev teased.

“I’m here aren’t I!” Yule protested. “You have the remote.” She doubted there would be much opportunity to doze off, the cover of the DVD looked incredibly gorey.

“This is a really good one,” Ev grinned, fumbling with the remote. “Promise.”
“You though Return of the Ungrateful Dead, was a really good one,” Chris snorted at them. It seemed he had already emptied his cup, which made Ev’s ears twitch with happiness.

“It’s nostalgic,” they argued as bloodstained letters appeared on the screen. “And you don’t appreciate cinema.”

Chris didn’t answer, but slid his fingers into their shaggy hair and scratched behind their ear instead, making Ev’s head drop down onto his shoulder immediately.

Back on Tomek’s shoulder Myszka gave a meaningful squeak and Tomek tried not to choke on his popcorn in response.

Yule hid her smile in her cup of sparking tea. It was still so much better when Tomek made it for her. She let out a soft, content sigh and put her feet up on the trunk turned coffee table. The dishes still needed washing and someone – it was going to be her – needed to speak to the landlord about the bathroom window no longer closing, but apart from that this place was absolutely perfect. 

[Sound of a page being turned.]

[Theme music]

Laura: Thank you very much for listening. If you want to know how to contact me, or where to find my other projects, you can find all that on my website laurasimons.com.

There’s another tale to tell some other day, but until then…

Mind your flatmates, guard your name, and be safe~

[Music fades]

_{Copyright Laura Simons, please do not copy my stories without my permission, lest you insult the fae.}